Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Learning to Live Again

For as long as I can remember I have tried to be a people pleaser. I tried my hardest to not upset anyone and would die unto self to make others happy. Which according to God dying unto self is a good thing, but when it was detrimental to myself or my children it wasn't a good thing. I have an old friend who for years has had an online presence and she created an online persona and she hid behind that. Recently she has decided to no longer hide behind that persona and it really made me think about if I was true to myself. The answer is no. I do what others want me to do, I have became the person other people think I should be.

So, I must ask myself how do I become true to myself? How do I enjoy life once again? How do I become less stressed?

Those questions remain unanswered but I am doing a lot of soul searching.

The questions I'm asking myself are those as well as: Do I depend on a man to make me happy? Do I  depend on friends to make me happy? I have learned that it is very hard to trust people and I find that is one of my biggest challenges in life. How can I trust when I've been hurt so many times. I built a huge wall when my mama passed away. I was determined to not let anyone over. It was 3 short months and I met Rocky, Fell in love when it wasn't in the cards. He was able to climb over that wall very fast and had captured my heart. I let friends over that wall and they held the knife very tightly as they jabbed it into my back. Rocky helped me with the heartache of loosing my mother, he helped bring joy back into my life and gave me another reason to live. When I lost mom I felt I had lost everything even though I had a precious 4 year old son who meant everything to me. Over the course of 6 years it seems Rocky has climbed back over the wall to the side he started out so now he is no longer on the side closest to my heart. All I have is my children and they are all that I need, or so I have told myself for a long time. I have recently came to realize that I must learn to trust again, I must learn to let people in and a least take that wall down into a smaller structure. I was angry with God for taking my mom. I had so much faith that He was going to heal her. I just knew that He would answer my prayers. I guess I didn't understand at the time that our prayers are answered in His time and in His way.  I was what I considered to be a very faithful follower, very actively involved in church, I had been a youth group leader, worked closely with the leadership of the church, Prayed very often, had faith, helped others, and did the things that I thought I was meant to be doing. I tried to follow God's footsteps, and I thought there was no way that My God would let me down and take my best friend from me. I didn't understand when I thought He had let me down.

In just a few weeks it will be 6 years since Mom has passed and to be honest I still don't understand. I know that He has a reason but I can't honestly say that I have understood nor have I let go of all resentment towards God for taking her. That has caused a huge problem in my relationship with God and I know that I can't fix that until I completely let go and ask for His forgiveness. But how I wonder? I don't have the answer. Maybe by putting it into writing it will help. Maybe someone who reads this will have some insight or some helpful words? Maybe someone will read this and they feel the same way? I honestly don't know why I'm writing this but I know there is a reason. I've got to find a way to start building healthy relationships. Fortunately recently I was able to recognize a few unhealthy relationships that I was nurturing and I was able to remove those people from my life and hopefully God will continue to reveal more of the weeds I need to remove from my garden of life. I don't want to be God's reluctant Daughter any more.
Ok, I have rambled enough, it's dinner time. Ribeye is calling from the refrigerator.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Dear Mama

Dear Mom,
This past 6 years have been the hardest of my life, The day that God took you to be with him my life shattered and I still haven't been able to pick up the pieces. I've tried to be strong, I've tried to move on and pretend I'm okay. I've tried to just be happy and pretend that my children are all I need. I stood strong for daddy when you passed, I have tried to stand strong and for my brothers, for my children, but I must finally admit mom I'm weak. I'm broken, and I've lost the pieces to put me back together. I lost focus on who I was, what I wanted. My focus just stayed on the loss of you. I have cheated my children, I have cheated you. I know that I should be happy that you aren't here suffering anymore but I just can't no matter how hard I try. I always dreamt that you would be by my side watching the mother that I would become. That you could see that the things you taught me didn't go unnoticed, but you aren't here. I don't think you can really see. I don't think I can make you proud. That was always my goal, was just to make you proud Mommy. Mom where do I go from here, what do I do? How do I get past this and try to find those broken pieces? I have prayed to God and I know that He hears my prayers but the pain is still there. The pain hasn't eased, the heartache hasn't healed at all. People say time will heal all, but it's a lie. I don't t think I'll ever stop hurting.  So many things remind me of you, I was at the doctors office and I saw a lady there with her daughter and the mother had cancer. My heart broke all over again, and I started bawling like the day you left us. I look at your photos, and reminisce of the memories and the times that we shared when I was mommy's lil girl. When we were inseparable and where ever you were there I was as well. I have the letters that you wrote me when I was pregnant with Ty, it is so amazing to read them. The love that you put into everyone of them is the love that I miss. I miss lying on  your chest and going to sleep, I miss hearing "hey sissy how are you" I miss you calling me asking me for advice, or us going to play bingo together. Now a days I hate the Name Pam, I almost cringe when I hear it, the reason is because when you were upset at me when I was a child you would call me Pam, so the moment I hear it I relate it to you being upset at me. It seems that I'm still living in a dream, or bad nightmare rather and that one day you are going to show back up here. I know it's not true, as I watched you get sicker and sicker almost by the day, but I guess it's more of a hope. I have 6 beautiful children and I don't want to even experience day to day life with them sometimes when the hurt takes over. That's not normal, it's not good. I have to find a way to overcome this heartache. I know it will never go away, but I have to find a way to quit letting it stop me from enjoying things in life. I find myself envious of other women who have their mothers around, I find that it isn't fair but I really know better. As Mother's Day approaches this year there are advertisements talking about sending mom's flowers, cards, candy, etc. and it is like someone driving the nail even further into my heart. I hope that one day I can really live again, Live like there is no tomorrow and quit allowing this heartache to control my life. Mom, I miss you more than I could ever begin to express to you. I know that you are so much better off and that you aren't hurting emotionally or physically anymore, but I hurt worse than I ever knew that I could. Writing is the only thing I know to do that ever seems to even begin to help and I'm not sure that it really does. I try to fill the void from you with daddy and the boys where I can, I try to be there to support them and help guide them, be that voice of reason. I know that I'm the closest person to you that there is, and they say I am looking more and more like you every day. I don't know if that makes it harder on daddy or not but I do know that daddy is still very much in love with you, he hurts very much as well. Well Mama, It's dinner time here and with the lil ones they aren't very patient when it comes to food, lol, so I better go. I love you mommy, and I miss you soooooo much. I hope to see you again! Big hugs and kisses.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Update on my Daddy

Yesterday daddy went in for surgery, upon his arrival the nurses realize he is running a fever and his white blood cell count is low. They thought he possibly had  pneumonia so they did a chest x-ray which showed no signs of pneumonia. So they went on with the surgery, the doctor thought he would have to amputate daddy's leg. He got inside of dad's leg and the artery was actually open. So the artificial artery is working,  Praise God! However, the blood flow isn't going through his heart like it should be therefore causing him to go into heart failure. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is our ultimate physician so I will continue praying for dad's healing and salvation. He goes back to the dr. for them to perform a stress test and echocardiogram. Until then we don't have any answers. I remember the last time we had to wait for answers for something and it was when the dr.'s were informing us our mother had cancer and less than six months to live. I certainly do hope that this doesn't turn out similar. Please pray with all of your might for my father, not only for his health but also his salvation and that he will ask God into his heart and life. Without God we are nothing, and can accomplish nothing, with Him we are great and can accomplish great things. I believe in the power of prayer and confessing things and won't stop praying or believing. Thank you!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sorry the last post wouldnt allow me to write anymore

Prayers and a heavy heart

Today as we drive forward into the storm my daddy is driving towards his surgery.  The dr. has told him for the past year that the only thing that could save him is amputation of his leg. Daddy has refused to go back until now he is at the point where he can barely walk. The clogged artery has turned his foot purple. I of course worry about him however I worry even more because daddy hasn't accepted God into his heart. My daddy is a great man who upholds a great strong man persona however if anyone has taken the time to really get to know my daddy they will see that he is very caring and beneath that tough exterior ta
here is a gentle soul.
I don't know  what today is going to hold however I do know that no matter what it is that it will be just as God intended. No matter what happens I pray that someone can help daddy ask God into his life. I fear for today even though I know that satan is the one who brings fear. I pray that each reader will please join me in prayer today. Not only for medical/physical healing for my precious daddy but also spitlritual and emotional healing.  I want to let go and let God have control and I know theres nothing that I can do however it is difficult for me to do that. I let go and let God have control and I lost my mother so I have that sense of that I can somehow fix this. I need to be my daddy's backbone when he is weak, be his shoulder when he needs to cry, his strong tower. I can't replace my mother for my dad or brothers yet I have spent the last 6 years trying to be by their side as mama would have been. I just spoke to daddy and he seemed to be in good spirits even though he has been up almost all night worried. I made sure that I told him I love him and am praying for him. As I write this and tears fill my eyes I know that God is the ultimate healer and we can do all things through him. God says with faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains. I have faith my daddy is going to be okay. In closing I ask that you pray for the man closest to my heart. I am indeed daddy's lil girl and will always be no matter his or my age or our differences.
Dear heavenly father, I come to you this morning with great thanksgiving for all things that you do. The things seen and unseen, heard and unheard, felt and unfelt. I thank you for the continued protection of my children and my family. I thank you for my health, my children's health, the time that I am able to spend with them. They never fail to put a smile upon my face and a bounce in my step. I come to you very humbly and ask for your protection and healing for my father and grandfather as well as my children always. This I pray In Jesus' Precious Name, Amen.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

30 Days toward Who God Intended

In the life of a mother we normally forget about the small things in life and tend to focus on the larger, more important things. However often we don't realize that the things that seem so unimportant really are very important. For Example, mom's feed the children breakfast, lunch and dinner yet we often forget to eat until dinnertime or even after kids' bedtime. We make sure our children are bathed yet we manage to never have enough time in a day to actually shower longer than 2 minutes.  What if God felt that the things in our lives that we ask Him for weren't a big thing and He put it off? God doesn't put our needs on hold and we shouldn't either. This applies to men too, or even women who aren't mothers. Take time for yourselves. For the past 5 years of my life I have been so busy being a mother and trying to be the very best mother I could be to my children and children that I hadn't given birth to yet accepted into my heart and life that I some how lost track of who I really am. I forgot that I once had dreams, hopes, passions in life. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely am in love with my children, and wouldn't change a single thing. They make my heart beat and at times make my heart skip a beat.  My days are so focused on my children that I have forgotten to take time for me or to smell the roses so to speak. I love spending time with them, for so long I thought that was all that I was. I forgot I had other qualities in life, I had things to share with other people other than just the little people within my home.

I know that God has created me unique, and with a purpose. My goal now is to find out what that purpose is. I have to rediscover what talents I have, what I enjoy doing. For so long all that I have enjoyed doing is spending time with my children but I must broaden my horizons, and they can be right by my side along the way. I want to teach them as I learn. I want them to recognize their gifts and talents that God has given them as well. I don't want them to ever lose sight. People have asked me before "what was your dream growing up" and I replied "to be a mom" and thats true but I had forgotten that I also dreamed of opening an orphange, learning to figure skate, to make children smile, to travel, learn to play piano, and much more.

So for the next 30 days I'm going to do one thing that I enjoy every single day and take a photograph of it. I will share the photos with you. 

I challenge each and every one of you to look deep inside of yourselves and really find what makes you happy. I'd love to read or see what makes you happy. Seeing how I enjoy   love photograpy i'm looking forward to seeing your photos ;)

Here's to Discovering who God intended us to be. Cheers!